I don't drink and nor large groups of friends I have, we're all used to this. As soon as a table demonstrates it's not ordering alcohol, waiters basically disappear for the night or give us attitude. Tipping is stressful for everyone. It's nonsense and broken. Non-tipping systems work just fine everywhere else.
It's stressful because it often results in a lose-lose situation: if I tip poorly, this is not action that will learn them that what they did was somehow bad service, it'll just turn the situation into an antagonistic orientation. So, the next time I come in, I'm not really sure if he's gonna spit in my food. So in the end I always end up reluctantly tipping the same amount, no matter how the service was.
Also, as a brown male, reading the article made it pretty clear why I receive markedly poorer service when I'm with my family (also brown), vs. when I'm eating out with my white friends. Being reminded of racism in this way is, well... pretty stressful.
This essay was also posted on Reddit, and I saw similar responses from African American folks there: even though a lot of them tip pretty generously, they can sense that servers don't look forward to being at their table providing service, as if they're anticipating a bad tip.
Interestingly, and not trying to compare to what you experience but I'm not very tall and when I have to get a drink at a bar it's truly a challenge. And I always think "If I was one of those tall guys I would get better service". (I've not done anything to verify this other than it seems that way).
Likewise sometimes I am in my car and someone looks over at me. I think "wow if I was a girl I would think they are looking at me because of that!" (Because I tend to check out girls!)
My point is although there is no question you are subject to the actions you (and others describe) but it also could be the case that it happens for other reasons that have nothing to do with skin color. Make sense?
Lastly, while I am white, I am of a religion that has a percentage of the population that is biased against us. But for some reason I haven't really experienced that bad treatment that I can link to my religion. I think this is because my last name doesn't scream the religion as some others do.
One more thing. I'm married to a physician and I dated a physician. And when we are together people always assume I am the doctor or also a doctor. And they always seem to defer to me rather than my wife (or in the past girlfriend). My wife also has been treated by nurses without respect something they don't do to the male doctors.
> My point is although there is no question you are subject to the actions you (and others describe) but it also could be the case that it happens for other reasons that have nothing to do with skin color.
I think that is a bit of a stretch. There is concrete evidence that explains this happens a lot, and it's clear that racism [1] and sexism [2] are a key part of it.
And -- not as scientific here -- but there's intuition I have gathered that's backed up with 10 years of extensive dining out in various arrangements and settings, and anecdotes from my server friends about the politics in restaurants.
I wasn't questioning that it happens I said "there is no question you are subject to the actions you (and others describe)"
I was saying that there are times that it happens that have nothing to do with skin color and would happen (maybe the waiter is having a bad day who knows) to anyone.
Like the man in the car next to me (assuming he is not gay) if I was a hot girl I would automatically assume it's because I'm a hot girl. Of course this is not the same as saying that men don't look at a girl in the car next to them!
I'm sorry I guess maybe I still don't understand where you're coming from? Of course there would be false positives -- are you perhaps informing me of some possibilities with which I could rationalize why I was the recipient of poor service?
Of course that's a possibility -- servers have bad days, sure, but these isolated incidents don't negate the need to solve the bigger problems of wage disparity in restaurants (cooks being paid half what servers earn -- close to minimum wage in some instances, no matter that they went through culinary school and incurred huge debt), the problems of racism and sexism, etc. I feel non-tipping is the easy and obvious solution here.
Because I get attitude from a person who is supposed to be serving me, as well as inattentive service. I don't think I need to explain why bad service is bad.
Also, the actual act of tipping is uncomfortable. I have to write an amount that I feel adequately compensates the person for their effort and time. I really have no idea what that number should be. 15-20% is completely arbitrary. If I feel the service was bad, I now have to do a passive-aggressive low tip. And you know they are just going to think you tipped low because you're cheap, not because their service was bad.
Any time you are the subject of prejudice, it is a source of stress. While it isn't at the level of a classic civil rights struggle, it still exists.
What prejudice? As the article says, if you look like the profile of a "bad tipper", you get shitty service. If you don't order alcohol/desserts/appetizers, shitty service. Split a large portion to not waste food? Shitty service.
Because sitting with an empty glass of water (or whatever) waiting to get it refilled before you continue eating is stressful - for me at least, I drink a lot when I'm eating. Trying to get the attention of a waitperson who doesn't want to wait on you is stressful.
