The quirky sensibility coming through in the copy might appeal to the demographic interested in maintaining personal digital gardens rather than a slick SaaS product. It does too me!
Not disagreeing with the thrust of your post though I would take issue with it being both "strangely eloquent" and "utterly incomprehensible". It's just awkward writing... which, for a platform called WEIRD, is perhaps the point.
I recommend working on your elevator pitch, because while strangely eloquent, that is utterly incomprehensible.