/me 65, two kids, two grandkids, two marriages, each of about 15 years. Both times the wife divorced me, rather than vv. (and no doubt that says something about me). Both times the relationship was rocky, but I would have stuck it out were it not for being sued by my supposedly-trusted life partner.
I haven't had many girlfriends either, but I haven't felt that as a "lack". I've never had many friends either - usually not more than three or four good friends at any time.
I now live alone, and I don't see many people. I talk to my exes fairly regularly, and I'm on good terms with my kids - but they live faraway. I'm not "lonely", though, in the sense that being alone makes me sad or regretful. I'm fine with my own company. I like to crack jokes and talk politics, so I miss those occasions; I miss cuddling a warm woman; and I'd like to have someone living with me, to pick me up if I fall over, and to look after me if I get ill. But those things are basically transactional, not about loneliness; I could pay someone to provide those services.
I'm not a "loner" - I like people, and people like me. I'm not shy. I think it's just that I find that cultivating casual friendships in the hope they might blossom is a lot of work, so I don't cultivate many. And the idea of having two girlfriend relationships at the same time - i.e. while one is ending and the other beginning - fills me with dread, and I've never done that.
Like you, I've spent my career in IT. I've never made a good friend at work. I mean, I've made "friends" with people at work, and even brought them to my home and made dinner for them; but they were never good friends. I'm a bit idiosyncratic in my tastes, and many of my attitudes and opinions are quite leftfield. These work-friends were all very straight, by my standards. I've no objection to people being "normal" - by definition, the majority of people are - that's no obstacle to being friends, for me. But it may have been an obstacle for them.
It really doesn’t say much about you that you got divorced. Women initiate ~70% of divorces and 90% for college educated women. Personally - I don’t know any college educated couples who had the man initiate. It’s really uncommon.
It's very interesting what you say, how you miss certain aspects of companionship. Do you find the maintenance of friendships and of intimate relationships difficult in the same way? Personally I find almost no overlap between the two categories.
I've actually found most of my most intense friendships via computers - though those are few, and to be honest I've mellowed in my middle age. I'm trying my hand at making friends through social activities more these days - I definitely enjoy conversing, and sharing a laugh with them.
> Do you find the maintenance of friendships and of intimate relationships difficult in the same way?
I don't find it difficult to maintain an intimate relationship, until the writ arrives! I can compromise, I can listen (up to a point - I am a man, after all), and I'm pretty tolerant.
In both friendships and intimate relationships, I expect two-way trust. The difference is that in an intimate relationship, I'm relying on that trust; I don't place the same reliance on a good friend. I think it would be unkind (and unfriendly) to lean that heavily on a friend.
I lost my closest and oldest friend when he stole something from me (it actually was my partner's, which made it much worse, because she had relied on my trust in him). But in general, I wouldn't be that put-out if a good friend broke trust; people have lives to live, they make commitments to new people, and they make new friends that might take a dislike to you. These things happen, but I don't expect them to happen in a committed relationship.
But they do happen; so clearly my expectations are still out of whack with reality.
I haven't had many girlfriends either, but I haven't felt that as a "lack". I've never had many friends either - usually not more than three or four good friends at any time.
I now live alone, and I don't see many people. I talk to my exes fairly regularly, and I'm on good terms with my kids - but they live faraway. I'm not "lonely", though, in the sense that being alone makes me sad or regretful. I'm fine with my own company. I like to crack jokes and talk politics, so I miss those occasions; I miss cuddling a warm woman; and I'd like to have someone living with me, to pick me up if I fall over, and to look after me if I get ill. But those things are basically transactional, not about loneliness; I could pay someone to provide those services.
I'm not a "loner" - I like people, and people like me. I'm not shy. I think it's just that I find that cultivating casual friendships in the hope they might blossom is a lot of work, so I don't cultivate many. And the idea of having two girlfriend relationships at the same time - i.e. while one is ending and the other beginning - fills me with dread, and I've never done that.
Like you, I've spent my career in IT. I've never made a good friend at work. I mean, I've made "friends" with people at work, and even brought them to my home and made dinner for them; but they were never good friends. I'm a bit idiosyncratic in my tastes, and many of my attitudes and opinions are quite leftfield. These work-friends were all very straight, by my standards. I've no objection to people being "normal" - by definition, the majority of people are - that's no obstacle to being friends, for me. But it may have been an obstacle for them.