The most popular trust-creation mechanism for adults seems to be getting drunk together, which reliably leads to little infractions, which every witness has the choice to exploit or not. The latter option engenders trust.
"I don't trust someone that I didn't get drunk with" is a sentiment I've heard repeatedly, both privately and professionally. The most successful startup that I worked for even asked "What's your favourite beer?" when they interviewed me for a programmer position, and when I asked by this was of interest, they said they took their after work drinking sessions pretty seriously, and "don't want to work with people they can't have fun with".
As somebody who doesn't enjoy being drunk, this was difficult for me to adapt to.
> "I don't trust someone that I didn't get drunk with" is a sentiment I've heard repeatedly, both privately and professionally.
That's something I've heard as well, and I tell them that drinking with me is a bad idea, and getting me drunk is even worse. Because that's when my persona slips and my shadow comes out to play -- and my shadow is kinda like Sam Kinison, only not funny.
As to the drinking after work... I think it's appropriate to set boundaries. I only drink a handful of times a year but will participate in some activities including outside work hours, I also don't have more than a single drink if I'm going to drive within a couple hours. Also, get two non-alcoholic drinks or glasses of water per alcoholic beverage, could pretty much stay close to sober all evening when I was in my 20s by doing that.
In the end, it's about striking a balance of being sociable without being irresponsible at the same time.
I agree with you, in that pretending to drink (e.g Tonic instead of Gin & Tonic) is probably what a lot of us do, and the obvious way out. But the point of drinking is not really being sociable, but making yourself vulnerable. Vulnerability and exploitability is the foundation of trust. By staying sober one undermines one of the core trust formation mechanism: by remaining sober and responsible, you avoid creating exploitable vulnerabilities that others can but don't exploit -- I trust X because X can exploit my being vulnerable w.r.t. Y me, but doesn't.
Note also that pretending to drink feels a bit like cheating to me: I'm actively deceiving others. I wish I could live my life without deceit.
I'm not pretending to drink... I actually have a few, but have a few not alcohol too, I make no attempts to hide it when ordering. I'm generally pretty blunt without much filtering in general, I don't need alcohol for that.
The most popular trust-creation mechanism for adults seems to be getting drunk together, which reliably leads to little infractions, which every witness has the choice to exploit or not. The latter option engenders trust.
"I don't trust someone that I didn't get drunk with" is a sentiment I've heard repeatedly, both privately and professionally. The most successful startup that I worked for even asked "What's your favourite beer?" when they interviewed me for a programmer position, and when I asked by this was of interest, they said they took their after work drinking sessions pretty seriously, and "don't want to work with people they can't have fun with". As somebody who doesn't enjoy being drunk, this was difficult for me to adapt to.