One way to think about it is, does the software help the user achieve their goals without trying to change what their goals are? Even this gets fuzzy when you think about long-term and short-term goals. An exercise app that manipulates me to frustrate my short-term goal of being lazy and help me reach my long-term goal of being fit might be ethically good.

But there are many clear cases where the app's job (just like much of advertising) is not to give me what I want, it's to control what I want and make me want what the app developer wants me to do.

One way I measure this informally is by asking how I feel after I use an app and put it down. While I'm using it, it always feels good because that's how these programs are designed. But many apps leaving me with a linger feeling of regret afterwards, exactly like the feeling I get after binging on junk food or drinking too much the night before.

Those are the apps that are a problem.