I come from a very similar perspective. Worthless but also like... what does "worth" even mean. We are all dust.
I think people spend way too much time wondering about their self worth, or if they will fail or are good at what they do, they confuse task strength with self worth, but if you have no self worth you can avoid a lot of time wasting mental loops, instead it's a focus on task assignment/alignment where you happen to be the person involved.
For me it's basically, the fact that external indicators will tell you you failed or suck and don't worry about it so much, just keep failing but learn each time.
I try only to change myself through knowing more, being more proficient, learning skills that are hard for me to learn, understanding things more holistically.
I haven't really struggled with suicidal thoughts though, I think that there is a certain level of self worth or ego required to be suicidal... to me, all of the existential questions, questions of meaning I don't have an answer for... I just don't know, I'm keeping my eyes pealed for Truth but to say it doesn't exist to me denotes a level of certainty I can't muster either, despair seems like it comes from a place of certainty, so I'll just keep my eyes open until my body gives out or Truth becomes apparent, after all I've go nowhere else to be.
I think people spend way too much time wondering about their self worth, or if they will fail or are good at what they do, they confuse task strength with self worth, but if you have no self worth you can avoid a lot of time wasting mental loops, instead it's a focus on task assignment/alignment where you happen to be the person involved.
For me it's basically, the fact that external indicators will tell you you failed or suck and don't worry about it so much, just keep failing but learn each time.
I try only to change myself through knowing more, being more proficient, learning skills that are hard for me to learn, understanding things more holistically.
I haven't really struggled with suicidal thoughts though, I think that there is a certain level of self worth or ego required to be suicidal... to me, all of the existential questions, questions of meaning I don't have an answer for... I just don't know, I'm keeping my eyes pealed for Truth but to say it doesn't exist to me denotes a level of certainty I can't muster either, despair seems like it comes from a place of certainty, so I'll just keep my eyes open until my body gives out or Truth becomes apparent, after all I've go nowhere else to be.