This article makes it clear to me just how different perception is in different people. How much or how little this errors scream at you in your mind. If everyone was as sensitive as the author (I am close), then way less errors would be left there, since so many people would get annoyed by them.
The original AlphaCode paper in Nature explains the approach, they generate many potential solutions with the LLM and do a lot of processing after to select candidates. Here's where the probabilistic nature of LLMs hurts, I think.
I was for ten years (35-45) feeling similarly but I supposedly had a good, "stressless" life: wife, nice kids, full-time uni teaching post, etc. I realised this but was unable to reverse it at all. So you don't need to have problems in your life to feel that way, and it could be more your brain chemistry and the bias that it creates (the "dark cloud", I call it).
At the beginning I had some anxiety crises and went to see a psychiatrist. I remember that they asked about sleep upfront. I was sleeping okish, but not great. After some time I noticed I started sleeping less and less (woke up at 4am and couldn't sleep anymore), I went back to a psychiatrist (different one this time). She said I needed antidepressants, and I read about them a lot, especially against. I wasn't sure. But in the end I tried.
It took a while to "enter" that kind of medication, tried 2 and then another. But I was convinced somehow of trying until it worked. Everyone is a complex, beautiful "mess", so you have to find the way. But in the end Venlafaxine started working. And boy did it work...
Right now I feel like I did in my 20s (I'm 47). I've never been as optimistic about my prospects, I think I can do anything. I used to think that I was finished, that I was bound to be grey all my remaining life. Now I've started doing all the stuff that I had stopped doing because of the feelings you are having (helplessness, strong anhedonia). I sleep so well now that I dream quite frequently and I think that has made my mind waaay more plastic. I've regained all the piano technique that I had plus I've leveled up significantly (Chopin studies, etc).
I have the willpower (and the experience!) now to work on myself, and I think I've made a lot of progress even in interpreting events and not being so pessimistic, etc. Like I'm doing a kind of mild CBT because I want to invest, because I have hope.
So my experience is that medication was a really necessary crutch, which in my case was quite necessary (that's my belief at least), and it solved "everything" in the sense of making the baseline so much higher that recovery seemed almost easy.
But there is hope. One way or another, life will be awesome again. If you need me to tell you face to face, I can do that (@pauek on Twitter, DM me). It really helps to listen to people in a similar situation. Nobody seems to understand anything when you are hostage to depression, and that can dig the hole even deeper.
When I've been in that place, other people's kindness can feel like evidence that I'm hurting them -- that I'm drawing energy from them, that I'm a hole in the world that needs to be repaired but can't, that kind of thing. (That isn't to say that such displays of appreciation and love can't also be helpful and welcomed.)
Indeed. The human mind is wildly talented at lying to us in sometimes sinister ways.
It's hard to imagine if you haven't been there, but in the moment you are seriously thinking about it, your mind can truly convince you that your family/spouse/kids/friends/work/church/etc will all be better off without you, even though that is virtually never true. Don't trust your mind when it tells you things like that.
It's not a choice. It's not seen as a choice. The Choice is not between life-and-death but between suffering and ending your suffering. This is how the suicidal mind thinks. When suffering becomes greater than any other emotion it It's like a pressure that has to be relieved
"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."
The problem with this analogy is that it, in life, any problem representing fire is going to change. Aside from terminal illness. Wallace didn’t have the perspective to see that.
I would have to agree with you, from personal experience. About 5 years ago I believe I might have overdosed by mixing OTC medication by accident, it was a combination of neurotropics and other focus medicine or at least after reflecting on the whole ordeal I believe this to be the case. I’ve never been one to consider suicide, never understood how someone could take their own life but at that specific moment in my life I felt that I was literally losing my mind and at any moment could go crazy and I would rather kill myself than to go crazy. So to touch on what you said, even a person that would never, ever do that under any circumstances within a sound mind can absolutely do it if the pain or suffering is so severe that killing one’s self is the only way one can save one’s self from what they’re going through.
I learned through that experience that the mind can be so fragile. My situation was induced from over the counter medicine. My heart goes out to individuals that have to deal with something like this due to mental disease… it really is something that affects everyone one way or another.
I think some people overexpress in general, regardless of the medium. I think it comes from an excess of "passion", which is like permanent exageration. I am prone to it, that's why I know, and I try to keep it under control.
> I think it comes from an excess of "passion", which is like permanent exageration. I am prone to it, that's why I know, and I try to keep it under control.
We thank you.
I suffer from the opposite problem—extremely deadpan personality. I insert exclamation points randomly in emails to seem human.
